So, many things are to happen in this post.
There is a potential job on the horizon. Doing design. Shocking, I know. I've been praying for months to find a good, in-house job and here we are, an in-house job looking for someone just like me. And it's not up here! It's in Fullerton. :) Pray, that for once, things go my way and I luck into this job.
I'm seriously considering closing this and my Myspace account. I hardly ever log into my Myspace account. I've had it since high school, and well, most everyone is on Facebook anyways. As for this account, well, I honestly don't think anyone reads it. I think I'm going to start a real blog, one linked to my website, which, if I get this new job, I can actually afford to host, finally.
I'm totally crushing on this guy. But, I'm not sure how he feels about me. All the while, I'm reluctant to do anything because, one, I don't want to loose his friendship, two, I tend to get bored with boys rather quickly, and at this moment that would suck a lot to think that I wouldn't feel this way in a few months. I seriously need to talk to a girl friend about this, but, well, there's no one really around.
So yeah, those are the many happenings of this post.
So, my parents are fighting, again.
Seriously though, it's like, the third time this week over some of the dumbest shit ever. I can see both sides just fine, both have points, but my question is, why the hell are they talking to me and not each other! I am so not a marriage counselor, and I so don't want to be either. I understand that couples fight, it's totally natural and normal, but why oh why can't they work out their issues without involving me?
My mom is desperate for me to be on her side and always back her up on everything. My dad just doesn't give a shit about anything anymore. I don't want to know any of this! I can't deal with their issues and my own and remain a sane person. I need them to release the tension before I go freaking nuts. I'm seriously about to lock them in their room and run away until they figure things out. I honestly would be okay if they got a divorce just so the freaking drama would stop.
And, also, my mom refuses to take care of our puppy. She expects me to do it 24/7. I wanted a dog, but still, this isn't my dog. If I move out, Maui doesn't come with me. I don't want to take care of her all the time, because she isn't 100% my dog! She needs to bound with the other family members in order for her to be a good FAMILY dog.
I cannot believe how much money my parents spend on the most unnecessary stuff. I never in my life have spent money like they do.
Okay, rant offically over.
So, I have this part time job right. I like it alright, it can be pretty awesome at times. I get 8 hrs a week at it though. Was gonna stick it out though, because I'd been promised that hours would pick up once people got to know me.
So you know what happened? They cut half my hours. They started giving me shorter hours on Tuesdays and gave my Monday shifts to some other chick.
In other words, I'm pissed. I can't even put gas in my car now. The whole point in my moving back home was for me to save money, and I can't even do that.
It's times like these that I get so angry with my parents for forcing me to quit Disney. I understand why they did, gas, long drive, blah blah blah. But, if I hadn't left Disney I'd be getting 30-35 hours a week right now. I think I could save a little from over $100 a week.
Of course, I've been paid 100 bucks a day for PA jobs, but there aren't really any of those right now. At least not with anyone I know.
So now I'm desperately searching for work. I have a freelance job, but I'm not going to get paid for a while on that.
So, I think I might just finally get some freelance work. I've been networking ever since I learned what the magic of Dreamweaver was (no more hours of hardcoding for me!) to get some freelance work to no avail. No one ever wanted to pay me for my work, and the first thing you learn in film school is to ALWAYS get paid for your work. But alas, my dear Aunt Robin may just pull through. She lives up in Washington and has a nice little jewelry busy up there, and is in desperate need of a website. Once I figure out if what she wants is more HTML or more Flash, then I'll decided on how much payment I want (stupid ActionScript, you really are the bane of my existance). Anywho, it's an exciting prospect in what seems like the worse period in my life, ever.
However, a few weeks ago I had an eye-opening conversation with my big bro. Who knew, right? Well, I was talking to him about how I felt really horrible how I don't have a real job, that I'm stuck living at home, like I had totally lost all direction in my life, and all the different things I felt at the time. And he very expertly explained to me that everyone feels this way at one point in their life. For him, it was after high school, he knew he wasn't going to a four-year university, and other then his part-time job with the City, he had no idea what he was going to do with the rest of his life. He accurately described the feeling as thus: all your life you have this, end point, you're always shooting for (graduation), and then, once you achieve said goal, your mind goes through hoops trying to decide what's next? I mean, we all had plans, but at all of my plans didn't really have a step one, more like, a step 47 that I expected myself to already be at.
So, all in all, I felt a lot better. I'm not alone in this, and eventually, everything's going to work itself out.
Okay, so my new job isn't exactly ideal. But it has some good things too. I'm currently working as a Recreation Leader 1 for the City of Victorville. So, pretty much, I play with little kids all day.
On the bad side: It has nothing to do with my degree. It has no potential of ever helping me get a job that has to do with my degree. The noob's are also coming in half way through the program, so it's kinda hard to connect to the kids, learn all the ropes, and learn how your fellow staff work when there's already a routine set in place. I'm doing the best I can, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I also don't get paid all that much. Not horrible, but by no means great. And, I'm currently not getting a whole bunch of hours. Though, the Director did say that the hours would pick up once people got to know you better. One can only hope.
On the good side: I kinda love it. Never before Disney did I ever want anything to do with kids. I hated them, like, a whole freaking bunch. But now, I'm seriously enjoying myself more then I'm consciously allowing myself. The kids are, for the most part, pretty great. I get to spend lots of time outside playing with them and doing cool little activities with them. And man, kids really do say the most random stuff. I'm never bored when I'm at work. And for me, this sorta trumps all of the negative stuff. It's something to do, a place to go, a way to get me out of my own head space.
All in all, I like my job.
So, my last post was kinda, well, emo, if that's how to describe it.
I will be honest, I haven't been my super happy, bubbly self in a long time. I'm not sure if that was ever who I really was. I'm a girl with some seriously deep flaws and issues that I don't know how to face or handle. I want to say that things are slowly but surely getting better for me, but their not.
I've got no one here. All my friends that used to live in Apple Valley are gone. Mollie's here, but only until August, when she goes off to college in Sonoma (I know, really, couldn't of picked something a little closer). I have on friend from Disney who lives in Victorville, but he has major issues with his phone, and isn't all that reliable in the first place. I have no way to meet people, because other then my 10 hr a week job, I never have any social interaction with anyone even remotely close to my age and not related to me. And frankly, I can't talk about certain things with my 60 year old parents. I just can't.
I hate being alone, but I can't stand being with other people. I have lost almost all control over my temper, which is very, very bad. I lash out for no reason at all. I've just gotten so sick of people accusing me of things and saying I'm not doing them correctly. My attitude now is just whatever. If you don't like the way I'm doing something, you do it. I wont help you out anymore.
I feel like such a debbie downer. Who'd wants to hang out with someone who's all moody and depressed anyway. It's like I'm my own worst enemy. Every step forward has three back.
And I have no clue how to change any of these. I'm not sure if it can. I kinda feel like it's just my lot in life, what I've gotta learn to deal with. So, in a sense, for the first time in my life, I'm giving up hope for anything better.
Now, on a happier note, a super cute pick of my puppy!
So much for well laid plans. Steve went out tonight, so no chance for me to get out. Mikey's phone's still off/dead, so no hanging out with him. I'm officially alone. Mom texted Steve about not leaving me alone. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean, he's not my keeper for God's sake, he has his own life. I just wish I had one friend I could rely on. Why do I always end up alone? Steve's had the same friends for forever, and Veronica's got crappy friends, but friends nonetheless. I don't have any friends at all. I've tried to reach out, I really have. But no one ever gets back to me. No one cares one way or another what happens to me. Not even my family. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Why do I even try? There's no point. Who in this world cares if I get out of bed in the morning? I can't think of one person who would care even a little. How did I get to this point? How did Iget to the point where no one cared about me? Why do I have to be alone? Why does every friendship I have just dissolve? Disappear into thin air. Does anyone think of me? Does anyone miss me at all? Does anyone ever want to be my friend anymore? Have I alienated every person I've ever met? Why am I even here? Do I exist to be alone? What's someone suppose to do when no one cares anymore? Did anyone ever care? Was I just some pity case? I just want the pain to go away. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I just want someone to care about me. To want to be there for me. ZBut does anyone want to be around me? Probably not.
I hate it when my parents fight.
I know, I'm seriously lame. This post will probably be too.
I really hate job hunting. It's like my new full time job is to find a full time job. And it seems like freaking no where is hiring. At least not in the area's I'm looking. The navy keeps bugging me though, fun times there. I feel like I'm stuck in a Relient K song.
Anywho. Um, yeah, I said this would be lame.
We got a puppy! Her name is Maui, she's a boxer, and she's super flippin' cute! I'll post pictures soon, 'cause she really is that cute.
Yeah, that's about it on the excitement in my life.
So, I know, I'm lame. I hardly update this thing 'cause for the longest time I forgot to set it as a bookmark in Firefox, and I don't really frequent anything but my bookmarks.
Soooo, nothing all that terribly exciting has happened. I'm desperately trying to find a job that pays more then 10 bucks an hour.
I had to quit Disney 'cause my dad made me. Major sucko.
Working on my new portfolio site, not loving it though. I just don't feel all that inspired anymore with my design.
Thinking about starting a blog on said portfolio sight though, I think it would be could.
My family got a new puppy! Her name is Maui, she's a boxer. She's super, super, super cute.
Can't really think of anything else right now, so I'll be back laters.